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April 1st, 2007

01:57 am So I was watching this movie Babel tonight. And it is kinda weird how things actually hit you after a while. I don't really feel like getting into it, but a couple of nights ago my brother and I could have actually died. And now a lot of what ifs are starting to pop into my head. And I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and fear. But that night I couldn't do anything but laugh and crack jokes about it. But now I can't even sleep. And I'm on edge all the time. And its just weird. Cause I wonder what could have happened if I stopped running so fast when it started to hurt or if I didn't stop my brother from getting close to that guy. And I've thought about it over and over in my head and it's possible the situation was just really wrong and nothing was going to happen. But either way, I just don't feel right anymore. But like we finished watching the movie at 11 and when it ended my mom was like "thats so sad" and yeah the ending wasn't a happy one but it didn't occur to me how sad it was. And the emotions felt are all emotions that I can relate and it's just weird. And it's sad. After all these tragic chain of events, an emotionally distressed girl who's story you go in and out of through out the movie confesses to a police officer, whom she confides in, that she saw her mom jump off the balcony of their apartment. So before he leaves she has like a break down and hands him a note. You can't read what it says cause its in japanese but as the cop is leaving the building he runs into her father. They talk and his father explains to the cop that his wife shot herself in the head. Then your lead to think. Emotionally distressed girl who just had a breakdown, hands the last person she saw a note, and was talking about a suicide on her balcony. The whole tragic events through out the movie drag you so far down emotionally that you kind of think her peace will be in death. But the father comes up to the apartment and finds his daughter just looking out over the balcony. And there were a lot of things I took away from the movie, but the one thing that could sincerely be applied here is that emotions are apart of life. All emotions are. And the deeply painful emotions make you feel just as alive as the extremely joyous ones. So I can't change the way I feel right now and fear is just a part of life. And I don't need to "cure" it. Life will take care of it, because like any other emotion is just a natural thing that will become clear on it's own. Current Mood: groggy

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March 25th, 2007

09:39 pm soo we're leaving this wednesday and I'm pretty excited. Yeah I'm bummed I won't get to see my people but spending this weekend with them was fun. hmm Friday night I went to Louis' play with Michelle. It wasn't too fun lol the play was good but I wasn't feeling well and Michelle was in a bad mood. Saturday morning I waited tables at pancake day and that was actually pretty fun. I came home and I was wiped but my brother wanted to go out. So we hung out with Brondsky for a little bit. Came home, I got ready for Meghan's and Michelle came and picked me up. The party was really fun. It was kind of awkward at first. But then when Ashley got there it was a lot better. So that night we were wiped but Michelle's mom wanted to go to target. And it was like 10 so we just wondered around there. Then I went back to her house for a little while and came home and passed out. I feel like I accomplished nothing today. But oh well. 2 days of school then we're outta hurr Nothing really has been going on so bye Current Mood: tired

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March 22nd, 2007

09:47 pm people make me wanna punch myself in the face. either they lie to you, they lie to themselves and hope you'll be there to pick up their pieces when it starts to hurt, or they just have nothing to say. And it's annoying. And it's late so I'm in an all around bad mood. Plans for this weekend: Louis' play tomorrow night Working the pancake breakfast saturday morning Ash coming over? then Meghan's party for the rest of Saturday and Sunday dedicated to academics. sounds good. last weekend in NY. I'm not gunna lie, I'm relieved. Current Mood: annoyed

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06:36 am so I guess no matter how crappy you feel about yourself and where you at, at a certain point you just become ok with everything. Even if insecurities are gunna come back, your not really afraid of that. and thats so awesome. Current Mood: blank

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February 25th, 2007

05:36 pm so I'm kind of over it. This thing with Joe isn't working out and it's causing more stress than happiness and that's just not good. He basically stood me up today. My brother's ROTC was hosting some bowling thing and I invited Joe to come with me and my family. So we were gunna meet up there. And we were there for like 3 hours when my mom was finally like tired so I was like whatever. Not even a phone call or anything. It's just not working. He texted me and was like sorry my battery was dead and his dad couldn't give him a ride cause he wasn't there. I mean it just never makes sense to me and I don't know him well enough to just naturally understand the things he does(or doesn't do). And I like him and I really tried but I just don't know how he sees things so if it's not that important to him then it's not going to be important to me. So I found the kind of boy is perfect for me. Someone just like Spencer from the hills, minus the playerness. I realize how stupid that sounds, but he's exactly everything I like in a boy. ok but I'm so not into boys right now. It's horrible. I'm so not into anything anymore. I just want to like...sleep forever and not have to talk to people. And I hate being anti social and not being interesting or fun. I wish I was more like I used to be, except not so stupid. And I wish I was more open like I used to be. Ok whatever before I start to rant... I'm fucking over it. This is stupid and I'll be happy when fun things start happening. Big DUH Current Mood: blah

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February 20th, 2007

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February 17th, 2007

10:55 am so I'm watching King Kong and this movie is SO sad :( but so good. yeah, so yesterday we did some errands and stuff during the day, me ben and my mom. And then I went to michelles and just chilllled. Her and Louis called Joe and it was SO funny. I had to keep leaving the room because I didn't wanna know what they were saying to him cause I'm sure it was horrible. Louis was like hitting on him, ofcourse because he's such a slut. And I think Michelle may have been a little annoyed when she asked him to be her boyfriend for a week and he said Lizzy is the only woman for me. But I don't know. They're crazy. But anyway so I came home and just passed out lol so whats going on todayy? Well I heard from peoples that me and Joe are supposed to chill today but he NEVER called me or anything asking me about today. I was gunna be a bitch and like go out someplace today but I'm just sooo tired. So I'm probably be sleeping all day. And I think I'm getting sick. so oh well. Current Mood: blah

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February 14th, 2007

09:54 pm so this is by far the worst Valentines day I've had. We didn't have school cause of a snow day. And Joe didn't call me the whole week about Valentines day and that bummed me out. But it just got worse today because he didn't call or text or anything. Like not even a happy valentines day. And that was soo upsetting. I didn't cry but I was really bummed. Ben came over for a little bit. And we had to dig out the cars. My mom's day was really frustrating too and I feel awful. Plus my brother is really sick again. So...I don't know. My dad wouldn't even talk to her on the phone when he called. And it was just a really bad day and I feel like I'm ready to blow up so I'm kind of glad Joe didn't call cause I'd probably explode on him. Current Mood: sad

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February 3rd, 2007

07:53 am So yeah, hm. Well, I'll start with Joe. So that night I messaged him my number. And he gave me his. And we were messaging back and forth a little. Then he texted me and I texted him and we did that back and forth for a while too. And that can get weird because you can't really get to know someone through texting. So like a sign or something, I went over for the month. And we had to talk on the phone. And we only had like one phone convo and it was for a really long time so that's always good. I'm not gunna judge how we connect on the first phone call because aquainting yourself is always long and interesting(for the most part). So I got in trouble because of something stupid. But I'm still allowed to hangout with Joe today so thats good. And I'm determined to not kiss him. First date, and I'm gunna be serious about this. So yeah. I don't know what else. I basically wake up really early this morning, I think cause I'm excited. And I'm still sort of walking on egg shells around my parents so I'm just gunna stay up here for a little while and go back to sleep or something Current Mood: happy

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January 27th, 2007

09:00 am wow I was emo and stupid in my last entry. oh well, whatever. So yeah that kid I was reffering to, well go figure I'm already bored with it. And I'm not heartless. I'm just not so quick to give it away and whatever, that's not such a bad thing so whatever. But yeah, so anyway, this whole week I've had "off" I had a lot of make up stuff going on because...well just go figure. So I made up a gym class and a chem test then I had to tutor on tuesday and wednesday. So Thursday I finally went over to Michelle's and it was really nice to just chill. Especially with my dad having been home for aslong as he has been. And I love him, but it's a relief to me to have him sometimes just leave. So then Friday was Aaron's swim meet which was HORRIBLE. It felt like, how michelle put it, "being in the car for hours". But afterwards, michelle, ben and aaron came over. So it was like a nice end to the week. So, uhm, what else? I've come to realize who my real friends are. And most people who say that, say that because they've been stabbed in the back, and that's somewhat true to me. But it's mainly just that I stopped caring about the people who I don't enjoy being around. Not that I started to dislike them, but I don't need to be...buddy buddy with a bunch of people with whom I don't relate or trust. There's other stuff. Oh, Joe. Ok, so that's aaron's friend who is kind of confusing. Like, he's not confusing, the situation of him has been though. Ok, so I first I think he's gay. Then I think he's interested in me, then I think he's not, and then I think he's a jerk, Then I think he's sweet. So right now, I'm onto thinking he's someone I'd like to get to know. He's extremely flirtatious and usually I don't really like that, but he's flirtatious is a way that wouldn't make me jealous. I don't really know what to think though yet because I've only met him twice and yesterday was the first time I talked to him and that was only for a little while. But yeah, so it's early and I'm going back to sleep. Current Mood: awake

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January 10th, 2007

06:35 pm I hate those weeks where your like endlessly tired and ofcourse it's going to be the busiest week you'll have for the month. I've been so bogged down with make up work, extra credit work, fixing other people's shitty work work, homework, and work at home that when I felt like having someone walk around with me after school, I couldn't think of anyone. It doesn't make me sad. It's just weird. And I am kind of interested in this one boy, but I know...I KNOW...I'll get sick of him after a week of dating. Just go figure. I hate being really boring and heartless. It's not a good combination at all. The way I see it atleast everyone should have one thing going for them. Either looks, personality, smarts, good hearted ness, something like that and I feel like I have none of those. And I miss being like bound to someone whether I'm with them or not. I want to like someone so much that should a better looking boy be interested in me, I'll think nothing of it. And it's not like that's impossible because I have felt that before once. I want that feeling back, except with a better person. Someone who I can love and will love me back. Someone who wants to take care of me and I would want to take care of back. So I was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which everyone says is brilliant and mind boggling. I liked it but it wasn't anything amazing. It's an old concept of if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it does it make a sound.(think about it) But anyway, I watched it because I was told that Kate Winslet character is me in 10 years. And I saw the commercials and took it as a compliment, then saw the movie and felt really scared. I don't want to be an impulsive girl with no true love or sense of self. Like god damn. Anyway, I'm happy for Andrea. She's been waiting for Harrison for years and now that they're together I'm sure it's everything(but nothing) like she imagined it. And I wish I could be more that. No, actually I just wish I could find a person that would make me like that. haha sometimes anyway. I'm not looking. I'm really not. I just think about this stuff sometimes. Current Mood: confused

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December 31st, 2006

11:49 pm So this is New Year: lol yeah that's my dad giving his son a cigarette. love it So I don't know that was my new years. It deffinately took my mind off a lot of things and there are this one set of lyrics which I love. No this how it works. You appear inside yourself You take the things you like And try to love the things you took and you take the love you make and stick it into someone else's heart pumping someone else blood and walking arm in arm you hope it don't get harmed and even if it does you just do it all again so fucking true. Well I'm going to sleep and I feel kind of sad because someone never called but oh well. Anyway I can't wait to come home :) Current Mood: sleepy

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02:14 pm So today is the last day of 06 and I don't know why...but 2007 is one of those years I never saw myself living to see and I don't really know how I'm feeling today. I feel sad and confused. I think that I should make a resolution this year to not be anyone else but myself. And not try to change myself or feel self concious about how I am or look or sound or anything like that. I need to grow up and get it together. Some of my recent feelings about certain things are just childish and this is why I'm always disappointing myself but I'm over it now. And I'm sad, I don't want to be over it but I've gone through this dumb crap before and it ends one of two ways...I set myself and they let me down OR I get what I want then start hating it and let them down. And I'm tired of changing for people. I've accepted that I've grown out of the punk thing. But I don't want to dress like a cute little cheerleader either and if someone can't like that then I shouldn't poke and prond at myself until I feel like I'm pretty enough for them. This whole self concious about my looks thing is old and I need to let go of the fact that I'm never going to be like some girls that I know and as much as they front about us being friends...they aren't going to like me because I'm NOT them. I can't be. And I'm so frustrated. I feel like anyone fun is an idiot and anyone who isn't an idiot is a yuppy and I don't fit in right with anyone. And it was ok for a while, but then it just gets lonely. And until recently I thought that I had no personality but someone proved me wrong and brought something in me back out...but he's temporary and impossible and just as confusing as anything else. And I could look forward to the future but I still have no idea what that's going to be. Everything is so up in the air and everything could change tomorrow. So I don't know. I really don't and I hate that. Current Mood: confused

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December 28th, 2006

07:29 pm ok so we just got home and my day totally turned around. First we went to Stuart which was alright we had lunch and like walked around. Then we went to Jensen which I always love. But tonight they had some kind of street fair and there was a lot of people and vendors and a couple nice art galleries. So we were there and I'm so glad the weather was nice. I feel kind of guilty now because I forgot that it was my parents anniversary today and I know they never get to see eachother because my dad's in Florida and they didn't get to go out to dinner on their own. And my mom was talking about that all week too... But she said she wanted all of us to be together as a family so I hope she means that. Well I'm out Current Mood: exhausted

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07:28 pm So I'm in Florida again for the break and I'm so fucking bored. I like coming here cause it's nice to get away once in awhile. But it's just so lonely. Like I don't know anyone around here and it's impossible to meet anyone cause there are only mad old people living near us. And my brother is happy being alone and playing video games and like yells at me when I wanna hangout with him. And my parents are always out doing stuff and my dad never wants to bring me. Now the internet is out so I'm writing this is the stupid word pad and I can't even like IM people. And I can only call people for a little while cause of the long distance. I'm just really annoyed and I know I shouldn't be complaining because I'm lucky but I just hate feeling like I'm the only one not enjoying their winter vacation and it's stupid that my dad doesn't take me with him and my mom when they go out. I don't even care if it's just grocery shopping. I would even be happy if I just knew one person down here and we hung out a couple times. Just something so that everyday I'm not all by myself. And today we were supposed to go out to this town like as a family and we were gunna get up early and spend the day there, but I'm up and getting ready and my dad and mom said they had some stuff to take care of first and they would be back in two hours and to watch Ben and vacuum the house. And I was like ok thats fine, two hours is fine. So I take care of everything but 4 hours later they still aren't home. And how are we supposed to hangout all day if it's 2 right now(they still aren't home) and it takes us a half an hour to get there? I don't know. Gah, and ofcourse it's almost New Year's and I'm gunna have to hear about everyone's parties and what they did and OFCOURSE another year that I'm not there. But it's funny cause this is the first time I'm in florida that I don't have a boyfriend so I guess that makes it even more boring cause there isn't someone to call and talk to anytime of the day or something. I just feel like this place is so gorgeous and it's always warm, there's a beach like 10 minutes away, my house is amazing and everything's perfect but theres no one to enjoy it with. Current Mood: bored

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December 9th, 2006

10:47 am soo I haven't updated in a while. We were supposed to go to my grandparents for thanksgiving but my brother was sick so we didn't go. Then a week later my grandfather died :/ That really sucked and for a long time I was really upset but when we went to the city and I saw my dad talking to him made me feel better. And seeing my family(even though there was drama) made me feel better. There was a lot of self exploration during that week while I was gone but I kinda feel like leaving them in my head. I have a new concept for a story though. Uhm, what else? I don't know some drama at school but that never really mattered too much. I'm starting to get an idea of what school I want to go to when I graduate. And I may be going away this summer to a summer program. It seems like I'm getting offered a new one every other day so I'm glad I have a lot to choose from and hopefully I'll get accepted to one. And one where I get sent far away and hopefully college credited too lol Well, anyway...as for boys, I've been like crazy lately. I don't know why I want someone I just do. But I know when and if I find someone I'll be like..."yeah ok, not interested." I went out with this kid after Tom, Alex. But like...a couple days before I started talking to Alex I made out with this kid at homecoming(who I thought was pretty cool) and then I had to like...ditch him for Alex. Then I broke up with Alex. I don't know why I keep doing that, like saying "I love you" when they say it even though I am SO far from meaning it and I should know by now that when I break up with them they always say "You ruined EVERYTHING!" "You said you loved me!" I don't care. I just want someone who won't take the relationship too seriously until it actually gets serious. And I want to fall inlove too. Cause I'm tired of going through guys like socks. Current Mood: geeky

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October 7th, 2006

04:12 pm soooo last night was Jen's party and it was pretty cool. No drama and chillen with people I don't usually get to see. I think the best part was seeing Ashley lol But it got me really excited for homecoming next weekend. I think she might be coming down for that too. So today was kind of a lazy day. I took some pictures and read more on the meters for film cameras and watched some movies with my mom and brother. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my dress...hopefully lol peace<3 Current Mood: bouncy

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October 6th, 2006

10:31 pm soooo basically nothing has been going on. School is school and boring as hell this year. I can't complain though because I'm avoiding as much drama as possible by being a huge bitch...and it's working because I'm always so bored. So now I'm just waiting cause I'm gunna be going to Jen's party in a little bit. Lately I've just really wanted to hangout with my mom. We're so distant whenever school starts but we're gunna be getting my homecoming dress this weekend and I bailed on Bee because I wanted to hang out with my mom for like 2 weeks now so I'm really excited. I was reading this one chick's livejournal...I don't know why. She was kinda mean and nasty to me in the past because I was going out with someone she liked but I heard she's doing lousy so it kinda makes me feel better that maybe there's a little karma going on. So...uhm, I don't know. There's been this one really hot kid and this other really hot kid. uhm...people annoy me to death especially guys who sit too close to me and touch me and flirt and stuff...it's just really annoying and gross and I'm getting sick of it. I don't even wanna be friends with them anymore because I'm starting to get the feeling they only hang around me to get with me and it annoys me shitless. Basically the only guys I can count on are my brother, Ben, and Steve0. But yeah...so bye Current Mood: chipper

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September 23rd, 2006

01:54 pm soooooo let me think. I'm sick right now and so bored. I've been watching Super Sweet Sixteen all day and now I wish it was almost april so I could start planning my sweet 16. Well Tom and I broke up. It was pretty lame so I don't really wanna get into it. But anyway...school started and I'm sick of it already. So boring lol And..uhm...last Saturday I went to the city for the sno-fro photoshoot :) It was really tiring. But fun. Ok. So...last night Matt came to pick me up with Dean, Corey and Damion. We dropped Dean off and I saw his puppy and it made me want one :( But anyway we went to Damion's and chilled there lmao his mom is soooo fucken crazy. And uhm...we drove around then went to the drive in and saw the gayest movie ever. I was sooo sick and just wanted to go to sleep lol But it's funny cause I've known Matt forever and I think this is like the first time I've ever really hung out with him. I guess I was wrong with what I thought of him. But whatever. It was cool. But I don't know...I'm so bored today and I'm missing an awesome benefit show at Townley grrr. But yeah I don't know lol I may go later. I think right now I'm just typing for the sake of typing. So I guess I'm gunna go find something to do. bye<3 Current Mood: sick

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